Five Years On...

I tried writing a letter to my little Angel in heaven last night but words left me and I just couldn't find the strength to write and remind her just how much she still means to me.
Last night around 11:48 I marked five years since she left me. Five years of questions unanswered. Five years of thinking that I didn't do enough to make her want to be mine. Five years of bitterness and anger at myself and others. Five years of what if she'd been born?

To my little Angel in heaven,
I don't know where to start. What to say. How to say it. I miss you. I don't have much to remember you with, just the memory of you in my womb, growing everyday, making me glow and that terrible heartburn I got. I even miss it now. How you kicked at night when I cried, maybe your way of telling me not to cry anymore. You didn't give me morning sickness, you were amazing like that.

A night like the last, you left and you have no idea how broken you left me. Or how lost I felt when realised you were gone. Id never hold you or breastfeed you or dress you in those tiny baby clothes or watch you grow.
Im broken and in pain today just like i was five years ago. Id never get to show you off or help you with your first period. I feel robbed... Of you, your love and the joy of having you in my life and watching you grow.

Im told Im strong. Im not. It's the only choice I've had since you've been gone. Coz I feel the void you left in my life every minute and it kills me. I breath baby, but Im dying inside, I laugh but Im crying, I smile but Im in pain. Im in a world where grieving too long is not allowed so you got to put up a front.

I don't write to you much Angel but that doesn't mean I've forgotten you. Sometimes silence is the only way I know how to cope.

I.smile when I think of you, it keeps me strong. I smile when I feel the pain of losing you, for in that pain is where our love grows. I smile at heaven where I hope you're warm and happy, and I hope you smile right back at me.

I love you Angel. Kisses.
Mummy.

Xoxo.