A Man and Trouble...

The night is here and Im alone
I want to believe that you will come
To give me company and hold me close
And love me till I fall asleep

I look at your side
I miss you much
I wish you were here I see your face
To hear your sleepy voice say you love me
To hear your heart beat as you sleep
To love me till I fall asleep

I fall asleep thinking of you
My sleep is not good at all
I dream of things I fear
I wake up to your empty side
I hate it that you are not here
To love me till I fall asleep

I'll lie awake as I can't sleep
I'll wait for you to get home soon
I know you will come back to me
Im praying hard you find your way to me
Im sorry I was such a bitch
Im sorry I made you leave
Just come home to me my love
To love me till I fall asleep

The thought of losing you is killing me
I cannot stand another minute away from you
I cannot live without you babe
There's a million reasons why you should let me go
Id understand but broken into a million pieces
A piece for a reason
But babe Im coming to you
Im coming right where you are
To say that Im sorry and please take me back
And Im hoping you'll understand
Maybe forgive me
Im coming to you to take you home with me
Im coming to love you till you sleep...

Quote: The things two people do to each other they remember. If they stay together it's not because they forget, it's because they forgive.

The Heart Wants What It Wants | Selena Gomez.

Xoxo ...

Say something, ANYTHING.

Say something,
Anything
Im losing hope
That silence
That awkwardness
Say something,
Anything
So I know
How to feel
How to hope
Coz that silence
Will be the end of me
Say something,
Anything
Not that you love me
Though that's what I want to hear
Not that you miss me
Though that would restore my hope
Not that you're lost without me
Though I hope you are
Not that your nights are cold
Though I hope they are ice cold
Not that your life has no meaning anymore
Just like mine
Though I hope it has lost all meaning
Not that you forgive me
Though that would be music to me
I would dance to it forever
Not that you want me back yet
Id sing you a song if it was that
Even though we both know I croak instead of singing
Not anything sweet
Or comforting
Or regretful
Or forgiving
Say I was wrong
That I made a mistake
That I was stupid
Say what you feel
Let your anger out
Hate me now if you must
Call me names
Crucificy me with words
But don't go
Don't leave me
Im weak and you're my strength
Im dumb and you're my knowledge
Im lost and you're my compass
Im blind and you're my sight
Im thirsty and you're my water
Im hungry and you're my food
Im in pain and you're my relief
Im empty and you're my fill
Im in darkness and you're my light
So say something,
Anything
Just don't let me loose.

Quote: A man who can put on a condom in the dark is ready to be a father.
             - Bikozulu.

Lazizi | Sauti Sol.

Xoxo.

50 Shades....

1. What is your bestfriends name?
        - I am my own bestfriend. Turns out that way I dont get very disappointed with anyone.

2. Who would you throw into the bermuda triangle?
      - There are a few people.... Depends on who goes first here....

3. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
      - Closed. Somehow I dont like waking up in the middle of the night to a dark closet incase my clothes turn into zombies.....

4. Do you take shampoo bottles from hotels?
      - I paid for them. Right? So I take them..... The tissue too :-P.

5. Have you ever stolen a street sign?
       - Not yet but now that you asked I just might :-).

6. Do you always smile for pictures?
         - Ofcourse....

7. Do you dance even without music?
         - I cant even dance to save myself but I do dance when alone. Even without music.

8. How many people have you slept with this week?
       - hahahaha..... Really now? PASS!!!!!

9. What Is your song for the week?
         - Colbie Caillat's Try..... Cant get enough of this song!

10. Do you still watch cartoons?
         - YES!!! All the time.... How else will I entertain the child in me?

11. Where would you hide your treasure if you had some?
          - Not under my bed and I definitely wouldnt tell you or it wouldnt be hidden anymore would it?

12. Heels or flats?
       - Flats any day any time.... But only coz im hopeless with heels.

13. What movie could you watch over and over and still enjoy?
        - Pitch perfect and Save the last dance 1....

14. Last person you kissed?
         - Kev ..... Hmmmmmmmmmm.....
Il just shut up right now.

15. Would you ever strip or pose nude for a magazine?
         - I seriously can't say no or yes now coz I can't rule it out... It got Kim K where she's at right?

16. When was the last time you wrote someone a letter on a paper?
      - No idea.

17. Can you change oil in a car?
        - No but when I own a car I will.

18. Are you dating?
         - Not really..... I don't know. Maybe. Its complicated even to me.

19. Describe your ideal proposal.
         - On a dhow in the middle of the ocean with the sunset on the background

20. Are you lazy?
          - NO! Just that Im on relax mode lots of time..... I know people who are lazy......

21. How many languages can you speak?
           - 4 and a half......

22. Are you stubborn?
         - Hahaha yes i am. Especially when i really want something.

23. Ever watch soap operas?
          - sometimes. But I find them too mainstream and predictable..... Rich Boy meets poor girl and falls in love then rich girl who boys parents like is jealous and poor girl and rich boy are separated but end up together.....

24. Nicknames?
            - Bunny and Sley.....

25. Ever used a gun?
           - not yet. I fully intend to though..... Considering the number of assholes in my life #sigh

26. How old were you when you got your first kiss?
           - 16 and it was all tongue and saliva.... Eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwww!!!!!!

27. What color was the last bra you bought?
           - blue with white polka dots and lace.

28. Does anyone know the password to your email?
          - nah, who would care?

29. Do you want any tattoos ?
           - I just got my first two and yes, I want many more ;-).

30. Any strange habits?
            - Sleeping with the lights on, taking sleeping pills with coffee, biting my nails, chucking my toenails.....

31. What's the worst abuse you have inflicted on your phone?
         - using it while its charging. Maeeennn......

32. What happened between you and your first boyfriend?
         - Hahaha.... Long story but he cheated, i found out and ended it. And now he is my very good friend.

33. How old do you want to be when you get your first child?
        - 27/28/26

34. Are you a risk taker?
         - Lets just say that I think a life without risks is boring and not fulfilling at all.

35. What happened the last time you cried?
          - I found out that someone I really likes was an asshole ..... Haha. But aren't they all?

36. Honestly, are things going the way you planned?
         - life is unpredictable and that's the joy of it all. Im enjoying the curve balls being thrown my way. I like a good challenge.

37. What's your worst habit?
           - trusting too easily.

38. What's your favorite thing about your crush/bf?
       - His smile and his body....... *licks lips* #teamfisiress lol

39. Have you ever bitten your toenails?
         - #hides Yes.

40. Do you have any strange phobias?
           - achluophobia...... Fear of darkness
       -demartophobia .....fear of skin disease
        - acrophobia .....fear of heights.

41. Do you miss anyone right now?
          - Yea. My mother. I miss everything about her and hope to see her soon ......

42. What are you in love with right now?
          - Myself, Make up especially lipstick..... , Him.

43. What would you want to know about the future?
         - How my hubby will look like and will I have four kids? And a whole lot of other stuff.

44. Have you already planned your wedding?
        -Give me the groom and a day to organize it And you'll see. But which girl hasn't yet planned her wedding if she's ever been in love?

45. Do people ever take you seriously?
         - not really. Maybe coz Im always joking or smiling but its hard to be serious when life should be fun.....

46. Why do you have a blog?
         - because without writing id drown in my own thoughts or go insane and its the only way I know how......

47. How old are you?
         - old enough to know that life is wonderful and exciting even when Im sad or down..... Old enough to be wise..... Old enough to know the difference between love and lust.

48. What is the one thing you will never do again?
        - Trusting so easily and blinding.
        - falling for someone who is already taken.

49. If you were the opposite gender, what name would you pick?
          - Terrence ..... Its hot and i have a thing for long names......

50. Which celebrity would you change your life with?
         - Terrence J.... But dude is a man n am a girl...... #sigh

Quote: Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.

Its who you are | A.J. Michaelka.

Xoxo.

A Love Story...

He is not handsome
Not the type I give my number to anyway,
And nothing is soo eyecatching about him
Maybe his smile, it has a little potential...
Or his smile.... His really cute smile
The light it brings to his eyes...
Then I think that maybe its his charm
The pure boyish charm that he wears with pride,
That same charm I fall for everytime,
Again and again, though not with him...
Or mAybe its his voice?
His jacket?
His confidence?
So yes, not the type I look at twice, that's a waste of sight...
Then he laughs
And cocks his head to me
Looking straight into my eyes heavy with alcohol from yesterday, today and last week,
I feel like he is reading my mind
I would lower my eyes but then he has me entranced, locked...
On his eyes, on him
I laugh when he looks away,
He laughs and for a moment Im lost in his laughter
But still he is not the type I look at twice or give my number to anyway....
What's better than a laugh at the end of a long night of heavy drinking to keep the hangover at bay, right?
So I laugh along
Until my bestfriend disappears with his bestfriend
And she is too busy to tell him her number, the one he was to take for his friend coz his phone is off and my phone is off and i just can't remember whether the last three numbers of her phone are 768 or 678 so then he asks me to give him mine so i can send him her number when my head clears....
My first thought is no.
But then my bestfriend likes his friend and I owe her this one little favour
And I have nothing to lose
So I laugh as I tap out my number
Eager to get home
Eager for my bed
Eager to put my heavy head down
It was nice meeting you, he says
I smile and hurry to the cab
Eager to get away from him
From that smile
From that charm
And as my head hits my pillow and my thoughts turn in for afew hours of sleep,
I don't think about him
Coz he is not the type of guy I look at twice or give my number to....
I wake up to the ringing of a phone
Annoyed to be woken up so quickly
But then its evident the sun is out
An afternoon sun
And a strange number flashes on my phone
Im blank as I answer it
The voice unfamiliar
Sleep on my mind
Wait, I know the name
I smile
He called
Even though he is not the type of guy I look at twice or give my number to.
He wants to have coffee sometime
Maybe dinner
Tonight? No Im still hungover...
Tomorrow?
Maybe | yes
Yes I say
It's a date. He says
I smile.
Our first date
Yet,
He is still not the type of guy I look at twice or give my number to.

Quote: Let nothing come between you and your hearts desires. Because what the heart wants,it gets.

Walk Away | The Script.

Xoxo.

To Growing Old... & Happy Birthday To me.

I do not wish to reminisce on the past twenty something years of my life as having been anything but extra ordinary because that is what they have been. How I wish I could say Im turning 21 but Nah, we all know that that's a lame attempt at trying to convince myself that I need to finally start acting like a grown up.

I need to finally start acting like a grown up. That line has hit me in all the wrong places. Is it wrong if I want to bring out the child locked deep inside the maze that's me? I don't think so.

I will not wish that I am any younger than I really Am. That's not going to work because even if I lie to myself my ID will always expose me and be the sour reminder  that I am not a very good liar. Therefore even though Im not going to publicly declare my age, (heck, I almost wrote wealth instead of age) I will not lie to myself that I am not growing older at a rate I wish would slow down and just let me enjoy being a youngster!!!

I will also not sit here writing about the things I dreamt of doing and haven't done or that sort of cliche stuff people like to talk about. Or the babies I should have had by now so I can concentrate on making a life for us. No.

I will also not write about all the wrong places I have been or the mistakes I have made. I refuse to go along that dirty sympathetic road that many will remind me of once 27th January comes along.

Instead I choose to write not about those dreams I harbour in my head in the hopes that someday they just might stop being elusive and come true but to write of what I will have done to achieve them.

I will write not of those places I wish to go but of how I already went there and had fuuuuuun!!!!

I will write not of the kind of friends I want in my life. Instead I will write of those friends I have in my life and Im grateful for.

I will not write of how bad my life is, but instead of how each day is an awesome or failed adventure and what has come out of it.

I will not write of all the lies I have promised myself to do in the last few years of my life or those past memories I wish I would relive. Or those friends I wish would have stuck around or that great dude I had great sex with and then he left me for my friend.

I choose to write about life as it is, to live with no regrets at all and to write of my achievements not of my wishes.

So as I grow a year older I choose to be me, to live life AsI want and to keep the friends that mean something and let go of those who want to leave.

As I grow a year older I choose to take risks and live life fully.
As I grow a year older I choose to be happy no matter what.

As I grow older I choose to love and to laugh, to give and to forget and without expecting anything in return, to let go of the past hurts and heal, to keep going even when its hard to see ahead and to be a better me without leaving myself behind.

Cheers to me for growing older. Happy birthday to me!!

Quote: Forgiveness does not change the past. It enlarges the future.

Happy birthday song

Sura Yako | Sauti Sol.

Xoxo.

Because I'm UnHappy...

I know I should walk away now that I have the chance but my body wants to stay even though my heart is mad and wants to leave...

I just wish I had never gone on this adventure with this stranger but my heart saw and liked and I wanted different and he was different...

But then where is our future together if he is already taken by someone else? Somehow my mind reasons that if I stay it will not change anything and I will have fun and not get attached now I know he has a girl.....

Knowing me, I will get attached and it will be harder to walk away after that so I tell myself that I should walk now that I know its early and it will be easier to forget him....

Then the questions start and I can't stop asking myself why I was such a fool not to see he was too good to be true...

I don't know how to answer his questions anymore
Or how to talk to him without crying
Or whether to believe him when he says he knows it will work out so I just give him time....

I hate this feeling of confusion in me yet what can I do? What can I say? How should I react?

I know I should walk awAy now I know he is taken but my body says to stay and somehow though my heart is in pain and wants to leave but its fighting for him too...

But what if in the end im left alone and he is with her and I will be broken to pieces left to mend a heart that might not want to heal..?..

I know I should walk awAy but his words tell me I should stay.....

Confusion
Pain
Uncertainity
Should I stay?
Should I walk?
Because karma is a bitch?

Quote: Worry about loving yourself and not loving the idea of other people loving you.

Walk Away | Kelly Clarkson
Walk AwAy | Paula Deanda

Xoxo.

Dear A.

This is a letter to my Ex. My ex baby daddy who rejected me when I got pregnant with his baby and slept with my bestfriend and wasn't there for me when I lost the baby.... I have had to write it so that I can finally get it out of me. Let it go maybe and its my way of venting.
Here's to you asshole.

Dear A.

I understand you are happy with my friend. That's good. Atleast you ain't sleeping with any of her friends. Are you?

I don't hate you. I never would. There are even times I dream of you. Yes I do. Coz you were that dude to me. I fell in love. It was a mistake.

I just want to stop it all now.... You. Me talking about you all the time. It makes me want to hate you. Which I should do considering the awful things you did to me. But I can't hate you. Why? I have no idea.

But you hurt me and that  will always make me wish you pain.

I lost our baby. I blame you for that. For rejecting and denying me.
For sleeping with my bestfriend.
For saying losing my baby was in the past just hours after it happened.
For being an asshole.
For not keeping your promise to always be there for me.
For letting your friends think for you.
For not being there for me when I lost my baby.

Thats all okay now and I'm wiser.

Thing is, you always pop up. Every damn time. I.don't love you. Not anymore. Yet. I'm more indifferent to you now. You don't bother me. You don't affect me anymore.

That is why I always wished u the pain I felt that night I lost baby.
I wanted her. So damn much and nothing on this earth will convince me you had nothing to do with it.

I wish you pain.
And agony.
And loss of ur future babies.

I wish you anger.
Anger brought on by all that you did to me.

I wish you to lose every damn good thing in ur life.

I wish you a life with no kids... That you will want children but not get them.

The day u apologise, I will forgive you. But as long as you say nothing, then I will always wish you the worst pain ever.

One day ul be sorry you made me lose her. Sorry that you were not there.
Sorry you were an asshole.
Sorry that you rejected me and her.
Sorry that you ever made promises that you.would never keep to me.

I wish you the worst and im not sorry for that. You wished it upon urself.

Yours dejected
L.

Quote: Beware of a patient womans fury.

Over you | ingrid michaelson.

Xoxo.

Rooftop at 3:05am :-)

Outside
In the cold
In the quick
Your girl in your bed
Your hands on me
Your man in me
Doing me
Deep
Your girl in your bed
You moving in me
Hard skin
Lips locked
Heights reached
Moans of desire
Groans of satisfaction
Bodies locked
Your girl in your bed
I squeeze
Hardness in me
Desire pooling
Desire shattering
Fluids mingle
Heaven is reached
So sweet a place
So guilty the pleasure
Your girl in your bed
Im stealing her pleasure....

Quote: forbidden fruit is always sweetest....

Happily Never After | PussyCat Dolls.

Xoxo.

Random thoughts 1...

The thought of him
With another girl
Who is not me
Pisses me off
Makes me want to fight
For him
For us
But is it worth it?
Is he worth it?

Quote: As a snake sheds its skin so we must shed our past again and again and again -- Dalai Lama.

Bottle it up | Sara Barreiles.

Xoxo.

OVER HIM.

Maybe if I tell myself enough Il get over you.

Pain.
...Found out today that the man I love is having a baby with someone else. I have no idea how to feel.
Lost.
Betrayed.
Rejected.
I guess my dreams of us were his dreams of them.
And so maybe if I tell myself its enough to hate him, I will forget him.
Maybe if I tell myself No thinking or dreaming of him, Il get over him.

Thought: Illusion is needed to disguise the emptiness within.

Over you | Ingrid Michaelson.

Xoxo.